I’m not fooling many…..

Today I sang a Little Mermaid song to Max. You know that one Ariel sings, “Part of Your World”. He loves it. He asked me if I was Ariel. He is 3 yrs old and has no concept of who sings beautifully and who doesn’t. I couldn’t resist telling him that yes I did sing Ariel in the movie. Just like many little girls raised in the 80s, I loved the movie and wanted to be Ariel so badly and I am sure for months at a time, my parents had to suffer through many-a-little mermaid songs. It was so cute when he asked that I just couldn’t resist playing along. Ansley smiled really big and excitedly and exclaimed “you Ariel mommy!?”. It was just so stinking cute! I was planning on telling them later that no, I wasn’t really Ariel but I did love to sing the songs when I was little (and I may or may not still like to belt it out…don’t judge).

Later, we got to talking about it again at dinner and so I joked and told the older 3 that “did you know I played Ariel in The Little Mermaid!?”. Aaron and Kaitlyn both looked at me suspiciously and said, “Sing so we can tell”. I think I may have convinced them somewhat lol. Ethan, on the other hand said, “Mom, there is no way because I can tell a difference in your voice and plus, you said you loved that movie when you were a kid so you couldn’t have sounded like that when you were little. You would have told us this a long time ago”.  Ugh, and the fun stops there lol. I still tried to convince them that I really was Ariel but Ethan wasn’t buying it.  So, with 6 skeptical eyes upon me, I fessed up. No, I wasn’t Ariel, just an Ariel wannabe. Of course this was no surprise to Ethan but it didn’t seem like much of one to Kaitlyn and Aaron either, lol.  Kaitlyn also asked why did I want to be someone else when I was little. Good question! Hard to answer too because of course I don’t want her to want to be anyone other than she is! I just explained that some little girls like to pretend to be princesses and mermaids while others are perfectly happy not 🙂

Oh well, a girl can dream right?! I do have “who’s its and what’s its galore” after all. This was definitely a fun memory I never want to forget 🙂

I’m feeling a bit sentimental today.

Yesterday  it was so beautiful outside that we spent most of the day outside cleaning and sprucing up the house and cars. I pulled out the baby carrier I have been using for baby girl since her birth. She never lets me carry her in it anymore. I have had it stashed in the car for a few months now unused. I knew this day would come when I would no longer need it. I decided to go ahead and post it for sale and within minutes, I got a buyer. Great right!?

Today, as I know I will be parting with this part of my life forever, I am suddenly sad. I have started thinking about it more. I used this thing almost daily. She would sleep against me in it for hours. She loved it when I wore her on my back and I loved it because she was so cuddly.  This carrier made it possible for me to take all of the kids shopping, to the park, or anywhere really.  It has been an essential for me and her. The fact that I no longer need it is bittersweet. She is more independent now and can walk by my side, which is good. She refuses to even get in it now if I offer.

I got teary about it this morning and Ethan said to me “Mom, I know it makes you sad to not need it anymore but we don’t need it and that mom does so why would we keep it?”.  The wisdom of a 10 yr old….. He’s right, we don’t need it and it would just sit here collecting dust and I would much rather it go to good use by someone else who can use it. I keep thinking of random situations that we might need it in as an excuse to keep it but the fact of the matter is that she would rather walk than ride now so it is useless to us now.

So, I will part with it, very heavy-heartedly but she will always be my baby in my eyes.

True Love Always Comes Out!

Even when siblings seem like that hate each other……they really do love each other and when you see that love show, it is the most heart warming experience. To see your children’s concern for each other is one of the most rewarding experiences in parenting.

Today, we took a family walk around the neighborhood on this beautiful, spring day. Ethan, Kaitlyn, and Aaron on their scooters, Max on his balance bike,  Ansley being pushed on her trike by dad and me being pulled by the 40 lb sled dog we like to call Bella the pit (we have got to get that dog trained!!!). We came upon a downhill where the kids love to go fast because an uphill follows that exciting ride down. Max fell off his bike halfway down the hill and what happened next was so touching. Ethan, unaware of it all, continued up the hill to the stop sign but Kaitlyn quickly jumped off of her scooter to pick him up, hug him, and ask him if he was ok. Aaron soon followed and did the same. Soon we caught up to them and helped calm Max down too but most of the work had been done! This might not seem like a big deal but it is to us! Sure they should react that way when their sibling gets hurt. Sure, they should show this level of concern and love but when it actually happens, it is completely heart warming.

True love always come out, whether you want it to or not. I am sure there are times where both Kaitlyn and Aaron don’t want to admit they love him, but the proof was right there today.  I also think of it as proof that our peaceful parenting approach is actually working to help keep their relationships so close.  I am a happy Mom for that tonight 🙂

The Disappearing Child

I think most people who have multiple children, especially 3 or more, have that one child who seems to disappear on you when you are at the park or someone else’s house.  Most people who know me well, know that I do. His name is Max and he is 3. He has been doing it to us since he could toddle around.  I can’t go to the park by myself with the kids without him disappearing a handful of times.  I have 5 to keep up with and if we have the park to ourselves, were golden but if there is a crowd…..it becomes very stressful very fast.  Even when we used to go to an indoor playground a year or so ago and I would have the baby in the carrier, he would manage to disappear on me.

I am not flaky either. I scan constantly. I do a head count very frequently. I am probably one of the most paranoid people you meet when it comes to this so its a big deal to me. I have always had this fear that one of my kids will disappear for good when we are at the park.  When my 6 yr old was about Max’s age, he disappeared at the farmers market and that was very traumatic for us all. One second he was beside me, the next I turn around and he is nowhere to be found. I remember that moment like it was yesterday and I always will. He was lost for about 5 minutes or so and that felt like an eternity to me.  Luckily he was found by a good Samaritan, hanging out by a tomato stand but until that moment, I remember feeling like I would never see him again. You know that terrifying thought where all you can think about is the worst?  Yeah, so that experience was traumatizing for me especially and has turned me into a seemingly paranoid mama.  I felt terrible for turning my head for that second it took for him to wander off into the sea of people.  It’s omething you don’t forgive yourself for.

I don’t think my family quite understands why it freaks me out so much when he disappears on me but I think most of my friends get it.  They have seen Max do it several times and are also like “How did he just do that?”!  It’s because he is so small too. He can be hidden behind a slide or rock wall or anything else really. I will be doing my scan and I can’t find him. Panic sets in and my friends will notice I need help finding him. We all scatter and there he will be underneath some structure or at the top of the slide hanging out.  I then feel a huge sigh of relief but prepare for it to happen again while I am there. He doesn’t do it on purpose……usually. He is just busy doing his thing.  I hate it though!  It’s terrifying!

For the last month or so, I haven’t had to worry too much about this because it’s been cold and also Daddy has been home with us, which has been wonderful I might add. It’s always great to have Daddy home and around to help out! Anyway, we decided to take the kids to the park the other day because we had a “spring-like” day and of course everyone else had the same idea. We came prepared for it though, dressing the kids in bright colors so they could be easily seen;Max and Aaron wearing orange.  We also brought the puppy to add to the chaos lol.  Daddy would stay with baby girl because that is where she is happy and I would keep the puppy while we both would look out for the others.  It was all going so well with the occasional “Where’s Max?!” moments but finding him shortly after.  The kids were having fun playing with everyone else there and the puppy was loving all of the extra attention. It was all going so well until…….I thought to myself “we need to get going before Max has the chance to disappear for real”. After all, sometimes he disappears and we find him quickly and sometimes it takes longer but we always find him. We had only had the quick disappearances so far and I wanted to leave while the getting was good. I started to look for him at the top of the slide which is where I saw him last and of course, he was gone. I scanned and couldn’t find him.  I told Daddy to help and my friends noticed I was searching so they started too. After we looked over the entire playground and he was nowhere to be found, serious panic was setting in quietly for me. What happened to him?! He was just right there! Then it occurred to me that maybe he snuck into one of the bathrooms there so I immediately ran to check and guess what…..there he was crying inside the women’s bathroom because he had gone in and couldn’t open the door to get back out.  I couldn’t have been more relieved to find him!  That sweet child…..he is going to give me a heart attack one of these days!  It’s no wonder I have so many white hairs!

New Family Tradition

Tonight, it occurred to me that over the last few days, the kids have been a bit more unkind to each other than usual and a bit more short tempered……..and so have Daddy and I for that matter. The family has been under more stress than usual so it is to be expected.  I decided we need to show each other more love and appreciation for each other so I came up with a new family dinner tradition.  From now on, as we sit together and eat dinner, we will each pick one person in the family and tell what we love about that person. With each person that is picked, the next person has to choose someone who has not been picked and do the same. It can be anything they love about that person, including something the person may have done that day. Anything at all. For Ansley, she loves Daddy because “I love him”. For the others, they are picking something a bit more detailed and specific. For example, Aaron loves Ethan because he plays “head runner” with him, a game I never heard of or knew they played until now.

So tonight we did it and it was actually pretty nice. Everyone came up with something sweet, even though they had been angry with that person that they picked previously. Now I know I didn’t come up with this idea but I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before! It turned the tone around for dinner. At least for a while anyway 😉 and yes I realize this makes us sound even more like “hippies” than we did before, lol.

It Finally Snowed!

So it snowed last night and the kids are super excited as expected. It started yesterday afternoon and as soon as we could see it sticking, the kids were ready to go out and play. Bella seems to love it too, strangely enough. I don’t see how a pup who is so sensitive to cold temperatures, actually enjoys playing in cold, wet snow.

I love how something so exciting and rare brings the kids together. Before it snowed, they all had a bit of cabin fever because it has been cold and windy the last several days here. They have been bickering amongst each other but as soon as that snow began to fall and they got outside, magically they were all best friends again. They even managed to play tag with snow balls without hurting and upsetting each other…..a big surprise here, lol.

They woke this morning, way too early , as if it were Christmas morning because they couldn’t wait to get back outside and play in this frigid, cold weather, which is beyond me. They came in our room at 6:30, ready to get dressed and go outside. I suggested we have breakfast first and wait for it to warm up a bit as it was just 15 degrees out but before I could get downstairs to start some coffee, they had already gotten halfway dressed and out the door! Insane! How could you go outside in this temperature with no coat, just your clothes and snow bib and snow boots. Not even hats or gloves?! They came back in a few minutes later and we had breakfast but as soon as they were done, they all got properly dressed and ready to go and they have been out there for over an hour now. They will be back in soon to warm up and switch out their cold wet clothes for dryer-warmed ones I am sure.

Bella runs around like a maniac trying to eat the snow. It iced on top of the 2 inches of snow that we got so there is  a nice crunchy layer on top. Not exactly suitable for snowman building but at least they can sled in it and they even have been body sledding if you can imagine that.

Since Daddy has been home, I get to watch them play from the warmth of the house while he does his Daddy thing and plays out there with them. I LOVE snow.  When I first heard wind of it possibly snowing, a child-like excitement built up inside me. I just can’t help it. The more the better. At one point they were saying we would get close to a foot of snow but I knew that was too good to be true. I knew we would only get a couple of inches and I would be quietly disappointed but happy for what we did get.  I LOVE to watch it fall and I LOVE the blanket of snow that covers everything but being out in it is not for me.

So as they play and freeze their tails off, I will enjoy my coffee and get some computer use in, as I am lucky to get any at all these days. To all who got snow are loving it, enjoy it! To all who have had way more snow than they have ever wanted and are “over it”, spring is just around the corner hopefully 🙂

I must be doing SOMETHING right ;)

So many days I feel like I am royally screwing up and not doing a great job parenting. I usually feel overwhelmed and at my breaking point. I usually feel spread too thin, as a lot of parents do.  There are some days though, that are particularly tough because I am in need of a break…which is long overdue for me at this point.  When my house is a disaster, I feel especially overwhelmed and irritable…which leads me to feel I am not doing a good job.  Today is has been one of those days but also has been a day where I have been able to see some growth in maturity and goodness in my children and it is so heartwarming.  They aren’t perfect and they have moments where they aren’t themselves, like we all do and they have areas where there is room for improvements, again, like we all do but I love and accept them the way they are. Accepting your children for who they are, without trying to make them someone else, by the way, is a huge weight off your shoulders.  Believing that they are awesome people the way they are,  just with areas that they may need guidance, does a world of good for them and you as a parent 🙂

I digress……back to my point of the post 🙂 Today, I have been irritable and overwhelmed by the filth of my house and the feeling of taking one step forward in cleanliness only to take 3 steps back because of some mess or disaster my 4 younger children have been involved in.  It gets to me after a while. Sometimes they are cleaning up after themselves and sometimes not. Plus there has been quite a bit of bickering between them and I only have myself to blame for this part since I let them have a sleep over downstairs for 2 nights in a row….knowing they don’t sleep well and are irritable after night 2.  Anyway, today after Kaitlyn was frustrated with her brother for not putting forth the effort to help clean their room, she started yelling and making demands and one thing led to another and before you know it there are tears and refusals to help. Then Kaitlyn is mad at me because I suggested she calmed down before she expected Aaron to help…she wanted him to help “right now”.  I suggested taking deep breaths and counting to 10 and she really did try but it just didn’t seem to do the trick for her because she would get mad again.  She ended up yelling at me about it and then actually hit me as I was turned around. It took me by surprise honestly and to be REALLY honest, I became a bit tearful out of frustration.  I then noticed she went and hid behind the couch and I could hear her counting and breathing again. She started talking to our puppy ( who was supposed to be napping lol). She came out a few minutes later and was very apologetic and suggested that she color a picture to calm herself down more, as well as to color one for me to help me feel better and one for her little brother too. Now that is an awesome thing to see from your kid! Recognizing that she was losing it and going off on her own to calm down, and coming back apologetic and more calm……..makes a mom proud 🙂

Then, a few minutes later, Ethan came down with a gift for “yours truly” 🙂 He had made me a coupon book! Bonus…..they never expire! How sweet is he? He said “Mom, I made this for you because it looked like you are having a tough day 😀 “.  Definitely something else to make this mom feel proud. It’s not the first time he has been so thoughtful …..he’s done these things before, they all do from time to time, but it is moments like these that help me keep going and pushing on through my day.

I am not naive enough to think this day won’t continue to have it’s ups and downs but at least I have had these moments to point out to me that no matter how often I feel like I am not getting it right……I must be doing something right 🙂 Tomorrow, I will be cashing in on one of those coupons!

Baby Girl….a story about life’s bittersweet difficulties and surprises.

This is our precious baby girl. She is a funny little thing 🙂 She likes black coffee, blue cheese, pepper jack cheese, jalapeno chips, hot sauce too hot for me to stand, beer, and lemons. We always joke that if her daddy likes it, she will. He likes strong and peculiar flavored foods and so does she. She actually prefers to sip the black coffee from her daddy’s mug instead of my cream and sugar with a little coffee.  She loves Doc Mcstuffins and Daniel Tiger and sings the tunes to the cartoons while she plays and walks around the house.  She thinks anything that is pink in the house is hers. Doesn’t matter if it is a pink bow or a pink pen lid….it’s her “pink”.  She wants to sleep with her kitty cat back pack on but settles reluctantly for us setting it beside her crib so she can have it back in the morning when she wakes up. She loves our pets just as any 2 yr old does and loves to give them her sweet baby kisses. She is so funny when the puppy chews on something she thinks that she shouldn’t.  The puppy could have a piece of paper and baby girl squeals, “Oh no! Oh no! Bella chew!” and she won’t stop until we get it from her.  She is everyone’s baby girl because we all love her and dote over her…right down to Max, her 3 yr old brother. She is super loved and it is wonderful 🙂

She is the baby of the family and will remain that way and she was also our biggest “surprise”.  She was meant to be but the only one who wasn’t really planned or expected.  Let me explain a bit here. When my husband and I got married, we knew we wanted a large family. We joked about having 6 kids but then we were young and naive as to how much it took to raise a large family. After all, we were just over 20 yrs old. After a couple of years of marriage, we had our first baby. He was planned. We were so in love with him, it was hard for us to imagine another child as much as we did him! We still knew we wanted more children though and hoped our hearts would grow with love for another. Just before he turned 2, we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd baby. We were ecstatic as we had been planning on her. Just as we had hoped, when she was born, we loved her every bit as much as we did our first. For a while, we debated, “should we have more or stop at 2?”. Seemed like a logical question as we knew at the time we wanted an even amount of children. If we had one more than we would have to have another to even that out. We felt content with 2 and we had one girl and one boy and they seemed to love each other.  Well shortly after her first birthday, our decision was made for us. We found out we were pregnant with our 3rd. We knew it was a possibility as I had been having trouble with the hormonal forms of birth control and honestly, we were leaning more towards the “let’s have more” side since we found so much joy in the 2 we had so if it happened it happened and we would be happy. We were happy to be bringing another sweet baby into our family. We weren’t worried anymore that we wouldn’t be able to love another the way we loved the others because we knew now that we would and of course we did! Transitioning from 2 to 3 was much more difficult for us than transitioning from 1 to 2 but after about a year and a half, we felt we had finally transitioned well 🙂 We waited a bit longer and started thinking about adding our 4th and decidedly last baby. We became pregnant and in the fall, we welcomed what we thought was our last baby into our family. Things were looking good and we couldn’t be more happier until…….

A week after our last son was born, my husband went back to work, only to find he had been layed off from his job. It was devastating. I couldn’t work as I had just delivered. The next several months were probably the hardest our family had experienced. I went back to work as soon as I could picking up hours where I could. Meanwhile, my husband was on the hunt for a new job….any job really but was unsuccessful. He experienced difficulties due to lack of years of experience and expertise as well as being over qualified as he had 2 college degrees. Jobs that he qualified for because of his degrees wanted more experience than he had, which was very frustrating. Times were more stressful than ever but we stuck through it. Shortly after Max was 6 months, we were floored when we found out we were pregnant yet again. How did this happen? A stupid question it might seem to most people but honestly, we had done everything in the book to prevent it aside from one of us being “fixed” and let’s be honest here…..life with 4 young children leaves little time and energy for those kinds of “adult activities”. It brings tears to my eyes to think of how I felt when we found this out. I was the sole provider and my husband was trying everything he could to find a new job, putting in application after application to no avail. I didn’t think I had it in me and what would we do if he was still unemployed by the time this baby was born? How could we tell our friends and family? My coworkers would eventually find out too and they knew the difficulties we were already experiencing. How could I face the world? Not that it was really anybody’s business but people have opinions and aren’t afraid to tell you and people talk. I felt so alone and helpless. We had our hands full as it was with our 4 already and how could we safely and patiently care for another baby and keep the others happy as well? After a couple of weeks came to the reality that we would make it and be ok. We always work tough times out and we would this time too.  Needless to say, the next few months were very stressful, although we had finally become very excited to bring this precious joy into our family, despite the comments and reactions of others.  As her arrival was nearing, we became more stressed as my husband was still unable to find a job. It wasn’t until a few days before she was born that things started to change. He was suddenly thrown 3 jobs!  It meant he would have to start the day the baby girl and I were brought home from the hospital but hey….you do what you gotta do right?!  Times were still tough for since he was gone so much of the time and I was left alone with 5 young children under the age of 8 most of the time but at least we could financially support our family now 🙂 Who am I kidding? Times are still tough but we make it 🙂

I am tearful as I write this because even though Ansley (baby girl) was certainly not planned, in fact she was very much unplanned, we are so thankful for her everyday. She has completed our family in so many ways and we all couldn’t imagine life without her.  In case you are wondering if we plan on evening out the numbers with that 6th baby, the answer is no 🙂 Now that would be another HUGE surprise if that happened as it should be impossible at this point 😉

Thanks for reading and allowing me to share a personal story with you!

Threats Verses Consequences..what do you think?

This info-graphic is pretty awesome! There is a fine line between a threat and informing of a consequence though. So if I were to tell my child during a “battle of the wills”, if you do not put your coat on, you can’t go outside. Threat is made that the child can’t go out if the child doesn’t do what I say and consequence is that the child doesn’t go outside because I threatened him and he didn’t listen.  However, you could also look at it from a different angle. I could tell my child that he can go outside but warn him it is cold. He chooses to go outside without a coat anyway and after about 10 minutes, he comes back in for his coat because he has now learned the consequence to his action (not wearing the coat made him cold) on his own. He gets his coat and continues to play outside. Beautiful lesson to be learned and so much less of a headache than a “battle of the wills”! This is called a natural consequence.   I am all about natural consequences….to an extent. For example, I don’t believe in letting your child find out the hard way when it comes to their safety.  So if my child was to spill something on the floor, I don’t let them leave it for me to clean up….I have enough to clean up as it is and I certainly don’t want them to find out the hard way and slip and fall on it. I will offer to help them clean it up though. I feel like this teaches them responsibility as well as consideration and kindness.

It gets dicey though when they are doing something that could harm another child emotionally or physically or when they just plain aren’t following the rules of the house. There aren’t that many rules in our home  and the ones that are in place aren’t to control them but to guide them to be kind and considerate, “keep the peace” and my sanity of course.  At least once a day, I have to make some sort of threat to end some activity they are engaging in. I try not to make it a punishment but I guess they see it that anyway though For example, they might be watching TV peacefully one minute and the next, they start getting rowdy or arguing. I end up intervening by asking them to please work out their differences and do they need my help? Otherwise I say that I feel they have been overstimulated by the TV so it might need to go off for now. Sometimes they work it out but sometimes it ends in me turning it off for the time being. Once things settle back down, we can try again. Another example would be them using a toy inappropriately…say they try to hit someone with it. I warn them that that is not what the toy is made for, it’s not ok to hit with it, lets use our words and so on. If they continue to try to hit with it, I feel I have to take it.  I guess you could say in these situations, as long as I am staying calm and my delivery of informing them of their consequence comes across matter of factually and not emotionally charged, should they continue doing the unwanted behavior, that it is not really a threat…..just reminding them that we need to treat each other kindly and how we want to be treated and I can’t allow them to hurt each other.  I don’t know….what do you think? I mean, I still feel like it is a threat, just a calmly stated one. See what I mean though? kind of confusing!

We try to peaceful parent the best we can but raising a family with 5 young kids, it’s hard not to have to put some sort of threats in place!  Things get out of hand real fast if we just sit back and allow them to learn the consequences to some of their actions on their own. Plenty of times it works out that we can let this happen but when it comes to keeping everyone safe and unharmed in anyway, sometimes we gotta do what we have to. Anyone else struggle with this issue? What other methods or tips can you give? I am always looking for advice and sharing of ideas!

Thanks for reading 🙂

Let’s talk about the explosive child shall we?

Well I have been inspired to write about this topic after helping other mothers work through this issue with their children.  I am not an expert, or a doctor, nor do I have a PhD but I am a mother who is trying to peacefully parent my 5 children and have had a lot of experience with “the explosive child”….unfortunately.

So, do you have a child that is prone to exploding? I do. I have a few in fact and I can’t help but think that my old parenting ways have contributed to their tendencies to explode and my poor role modeling at times as well. I am not perfect by any means and have, at times, been unable to keep my cool and lose it. Not hurt them but let my frustrations out and it is definitely something I am working on personally. I want them to understand that it happens sometimes because we all have our limits and can only work with what skills we have and level of patience we have at the time.  We all make mistakes and it is important for them to see this. It is important for them to also see that we are working on our own weaknesses as well. It’s just as important for us to apologize when it happens too!

So, when I say that I can’t help but think my old parenting ways have contributed to the explosions, I am talking about the fact that we haven’t always been peaceful. We have used harsh reprimands, time-outs, removing of belongings and other such punishments. We started recognizing that it was only making issues worse….which is why we started peaceful parenting in the first place. We used to think it was important for your child to know the extent of how what they did angered you; not to scare them but so they knew that what they did was not ok. Now we feel that while it is important for your child to recognize you are upset about something, it is even more important for them to see how we handle our own anger as well as receiving our guidance or requests, instead of making them feel terrible about something they have done. Shaming won’t get you far in the adult world and it won’t with your children either. That’s not to say that we don’t point it out to them but we try to do so in a more gentle way and with guidance as to what the right thing to do is or how to help empathize with others, as well as “making it right”.

So, what do I know about handling the explosions? We have learned a good technique that has worked wonders for our oldest . He rarely ever explodes anymore and when he gets angry now, he recognizes it and is learning how to cope without hurting others or making threats. Our 5 and 7 yr old will occasionally explode as well. Maturity will help them too I am sure!

Now, as far as how we handle it when one of our children explodes…. First and most importantly, recognize, acknowledge and empathize. They need to be heard and have their feelings acknowledged. Don’t we all? We all want to be heard out when we are mad and children do as well. So that is what I do. I say “I understand you are mad because….(so and so called you a name, or she took your toy). I would be upset too. You feel hurt too (or whatever other feeling you suspect they might be feeling)”. Leave it at that at first. Just recognize, acknowledge, and empathize at first. Now if your children are like mine, sometimes that is enough to calm them and sometimes it’s not. I give them their space but offer hugs and comfort. Sometimes they are resistant at first and want nothing to do with me. I let them know I am here when they are ready. After a few minutes, they usually come around and once we get that hug in, they usually calm down. If they are angry and hitting and hurting others or saying hurtful things, I let them know I can’t let them hurt others and depending on the situation, I leave the room with the others, or have them separated somehow. It’s not easy. I don’t want them to feel outcasted but I also can’t let them hurt the others or me.  Sometimes they leave on their own which is good! They recognize they need alone time and then they come out much better and ready to talk. Sometimes I do have to physically separate them and wait for the storm to pass with efforts to calm them myself. Only if they are receptive to it.  Animals help them calm down I have found. Snuggling with the kitty or petting the puppy helps them but I only allow it if they are able to be gentle with the animal.

A very important thing to remember when trying to calm your explosive child is not to point out what they have done or are doing wrong at the time they are angry. Very important because it will only escalate if you do. Just recognize, acknowledge and empathize while they are still angry. After the storm has past and they are able to calmly talk about what happened is when we talk about it and point out things they may have said and done that were hurtful. So for example, for Aaron getting mad that Max destroyed an art project he worked hard on it might go something like this. During his explosion, I recognize, acknowledge, and empathize with him by saying  “Aaron, I would be upset too if I worked so hard on something and someone destroyed it. It would make me very upset and I would feel very frustrated too!”. He is going to be super angry and probably go after Max and try to hit him or whatever else he can do to let Max know he is royally pissed lol. After the storm has blown over  we talk. I point out that I understood why he was mad. Then I might say something of this nature….”Aaron, it’s ok you are mad about that because you have every right to be but what is not ok is that you went after Max, knocked him down and hit him. It is not going to undo what he did. You wanted to make him pay and I understand but let’s think about how we can let Max know you are upset without hurting him. Maybe we can ask Max why he did it and to help you feel better and he can do something to make it up to you somehow?”. I of course then get Max involved as well and see if he is willing to apologize and want to make it up to him. Hopefully he is and in the best case scenario, they hug and make up, and Max does something for Aaron to help him feel better. Worst case scenario, Max isn’t willing to apologize, Aaron is still upset about it but not explosive anymore and is able to go on about his business and it all blows over eventually 🙂

Maybe your child is explosive because of something you did. Happens all the time with us! Same rules apply though. Keep your cool the best you can and maybe you show your child you need some time to yourself because you are very upset as well. After you are able to calm down, go to your child and see if they are receptive to your comfort. Recognize, acknowledge, and empathize first. Then after they calm (eventually they will 😉 ), you can talk about why you were upset with them or won’t let them do whatever or whatever it was they got mad at you for. Allow them to question you as well. Maybe they don’t understand fully why you made the decision you made (say for example they got mad at you because you aren’t letting them do something that you see as dangerous or something). Maybe you were out of line too. Apologize for that.. that goes a long way and means a lot to them as well as the fact you are the role modeling that it is important to apologize when we hurt or upset someone. Hug and make up!

Trust me when I say that all of this gets easier the more you do it but also is much easier said than done. There are millions of different circumstances this happens in and everyone’s family situations are different. I am not always able to go through with my own advice due to the fact I reach my limits as well and am swamped with other things going on. All we can do is our best. As long as your child sees you are putting in the effort, that will go a long way as well. They  need to feel important and as I have said a million times already…….the crave your recognition, acknowledgement and empathy 🙂 A lot of times I there are deeper roots to why you your child is explosive and that is something to definitely think about too.  Are they not feeling listened too in general lately. Maybe they need some more time alone with you? Are there changes in your dynamics that are causing them stress? Whatever it is, it is worth trying to figure it out and trying to find a remedy for it.

I hope this helps some of you out there! Please feel free to share your peaceful techniques with me as well as ask me for advice! I love to help others in their journeys to peaceful parenting but as I said before I am no expert….just another mom doing the best I can 🙂